You Are Your Own Superhero – Fighting for the Future with Depression and Anxiety

Fighting for the Future with Depression & Anxiety

I was scrolling through my files yesterday when I stumbled upon this paragraph in a Word document from 2013. It appears to be a note that I wrote to myself during finals week while I was studying for the LSAT and living in Minneapolis.

It’s sort of amusing at first, but when you get down to the bottom of the note… less so. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and I’ve had a few really bad bouts of depression – this appears to be my attempt to cope with one of them.

When Your Best Isn’t Enough

Me with a black eye in 2013.

Although I don’t specifically remember writing the note, I remember this time in my life pretty vividly. I loved the classes I was enrolled in at the University of Minnesota. I was inspired by my professors. I wanted to score well on the LSAT. And yet, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to actually accomplish anything. Studying seemed impossible. Just getting to class was a daily battle that I often lost. I was lonely, trying to date and struggling, because you know what they say… “You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.”

Above this note, there was also a schedule that I had created for myself. On three of the days I had typed “GO TO YOGA,” and underlined it. I was doing my best to utilize my coping mechanisms. I was also on a cocktail of antidepressants.

Let me tell you, guys – finding this really tore me up. Six years after writing this sad, frenzied paragraph to myself I am almost an unrecognizable person. I have always looked back on this period of my life with shame and frustration. My behavior was embarrassing. I drank too much and I made a lot of mistakes. I didn’t live up to my own expectations.

Now, I read this and I feel SO PROUD.

I drug around my anxiety and depression for years. It was horrible. I thought I would never be happy and it felt like I would never be good enough. It is nothing short of a miracle that I graduated – let alone with a 3.7 – and still managed to hold down a part-time job as a waitress. That girl was a fucking superhero.

I remember joking with my mom after graduation and saying, “Man, imagine what I could do if my brain actually worked!” In a way, I’m grateful that it didn’t. Now, at 29, after years of self-study, yoga and unending effort to keep the chaos at bay, I am stronger than I ever could have imagined. I’ve built a life (and lifestyle) that wasn’t even fathomable in my early 20’s. My anxiety still loves to play tricks on me, but it has minor role in my day-to-day life.

What do you think is more difficult? Moving to a new country, alone, with nothing but a backpack, or a week of crippling depression? I’m sure you can guess. Compared to what I’ve dealt with previously anything I’m facing now is child’s play.

You Are Your Own Superhero

This note is an incredible reminder to look back on the past and honor your growth. Take a break from dwelling on the future and recognize how far you’ve come. Seriously. I mean it. Really look.

Maybe you’re in a dark place right now. Whatever you’re grappling with, be it mental or physical illness, a toxic relationship, the loss of a loved one or something different – remember that in this moment you are your own superhero. You are fighting to keep your head above water so that your future can flourish.

It gets better. I promise.

Want to talk? I’m here. Just send me a message.